Aug 21st, 2011 9:03pm - Again?

I feel like this happens so often that I’m losing track. But I know for sure it’s the 3rd time that it’s been super legit tothe point that she doesn’t ever text me or anything. I don’t know I never know what to do. But a part of me is tired of waiting around for her to make up her mind and to chose what she wants. While I’m just suppose to sit back and enjoy the time away while she does whatever she does and it all depends on her. Ugh, why does this even have to happen. I never find it to be a big deal I guess because we rarely have big fights the ones that are just a smudge bigger than the usual, tends to be the “big fight”. So what happens now…what happens if she doesn’t want to be withme for sure and how does she tell me that how does that happen how would I know what am I suppose to do what about the gifts the plans the dates her half bday all the other things that were expected to happen but won’t because of the unexpected.
As for me, I am sad as fcuk. I’m trying so hard to hold shit together and to not be moping I can just feel my heart thump harder and hurt while I even think about it and when I’m just trying to avoid it I feel pain without feeling pain. I can’t even explain it. The same feelin when I heard those words ” I don’t know” I didn’t know whatto feel. Ifelt everything rush by so fast yet everything was so slow. It’s a trip how it works and how difficult it is to explain.
I don’t want to get back into the whole “dating game scene” tho.
I hate that I’m so blindly in love with her and I’m the only one that sees what I see in her. It’s not even fair because I’m not even sure if someone will see her the way that I do. She deserves to be treated tho with the way that I see her. Hopefully whoever the lucky person is, he treats her the way I know she should be.

08.08.11

Started my day off with the Starbucks Fix - Tall Iced White Chocolate Mocha. I neer used to like coffee until school. In some weird way I feel like school has its ups and downs like usual but it actually affects my life in unusual ways. I never used to like Coffee and here I am drinking it practically everyday & without it I feel tired like crazy. I never used to be a huge fan of alcohol but then again I guess I never liked it because I didnt like the idea that I was breaking the “rules” plus that fear of getting caught up. Now being 21, I could drink all I want and Im good to go. *sigh, I dont wanna think I’m borderline alcholic but I drink practically every weekend. Plus with all that going on and in school, without a job - it sure is making me broker than ever in my life! & I cant even get a job to try and have some sort of income…

As for me and the Girlfriend, who happens to be the biggest part of me…
Well, I dont even know whats really going on with that. Im not sure what kind of relationship it is anymore. Its getting more and more confusing and I feel like were just getting more and more distant, careless, almost like falling out of love. I know Im stillin love with her and that I want to be with her but…lately, hate to say it but im starting to think I do need “more” in a girlfriend. Dont get me wrong, shes great - in everyway. & I know its so cliche to say “its not you its me” but for what Im asking and wanting out of a relationship, shes just not ready to give that to me…and the worst part is, its rather she doesnt even want to or she probably never will.
I could go on for days and days without stopping if I even tried to weight out all the Pros and Cons. Hopefully throughout time it’ll make more sense or be clearer than it is now.
Plus the weird part is that were still together and from my knowledge we both say we still want to be together. Sigh, even if I think im losing her…theres nothing I can do about it. IM not one to point out the impossibles being that I find anything can be possible of course with its own rules and regulations but this one I got right here…Blah.
In a way she deserves better than me…but I only say that because of the “idea” of what she actually finds “ideal” to her. Because I know for a fact, I can and I do (& for as long as were together I Will) treat her better than anyone out there.
I’ll rant on how special she is and how other people are more than blind to see it.

As for now, the days been going by slow yet fast. As if every minute I want it to go by faster, it slows down and every minute I want to hurry and pass, it takes forever. Its just one of those days.

Worst part is that I’ve been more alone than ever…& they say Im to Dependent.

Blogger crossed my mind.

Today was one of the first times that it was just us; out in Public.
With no friends, no family, no anything…
Even if it wasn’t as I expected it to be, it still meant something to me.
It was awkward at first.
We actually fought in the beginning.
Something that I love about her is that were able to talk stuff out, most the time.
She’s not much of a “planner” like im used too.
I remember when I used to hate it when everything was so planned out…
Heh, I remember saying “who cares, lets just see what happens”…
In a way, I like some things planned out.
But then again, I know why I don’t plan much out…
I hate making plans because when they don’t work out, I just feel like; FAIL.
Failing isn’t fun.
Fails aren’t fun.
I wouldn’t say that tonight was a complete fail…
There were some things that could have been better but I guess it was okay since they like “time apart”…
Never have I been told that…
Being told “I think we spend to much time with each other…” actually hurts.
It’s like a nice way of saying “im tired of you”…
*sigh. I’m trying to keep my distance but in a way, it seems like that’s a fail too.
Rather im just one big failure or something just isn’t right.
I feel like im the one suffocating them this time, I think I rather be suffocated… in this relationship atleast.

Well enough about that.
I picked her up around 5.
Before that I was at the mall just killing time.
I drank some good cherry lemonade from hot dog on a d1ck though.
Also had some free orange chicken samples which were bombskii.
We were suppose to go on a double date to Noodle World with Jackie&Des.
But they ended up lagging which led to flaking.
It’s okay though. I know we needed to have time alone, in public.
I wish it would have gone better though…
We watched Planet 51 in Buena Park.
I like watching movies with her.
I feel good when I do.
She doesn’t fall asleep during the movies.
She doesn’t try to do it during the movie.
She doesn’t try to make out the whole film.
She doesn’t bother me like that…
Heh, awkwardly…its actually pretty cute watching movies with her.
She actually watches the movie while still being WITH me.
Thinking about it makes me miss her…

Enough about that…
Well after the movies we headed over to Jenna’s house.
Met up with Jenna, Ruby and Nizz.
Puff puff I pass…haha for a little then Nizz had to leave.
Chilled outside for a bit, then left to DelTaco, then to the Donut Shop, then to Arsenos…
Took them to look at a block that has all the Christmas lights up, too bad not all of them were on.
I love Christmas lights.
Took Jenna home then took Ruby to her car, unfortunately she left with Ruby since Ruby was a little up in the sky, she drove.
Shes at the gym now and im waiting for 3ish to hit.
Im taking my mom to the airport tonight, shes leaving to virgindick to see her military man.
I hope they’re able to come with me, I would hate to drive up there and back alone…



Uh oh, seems as if Time Is Running Out.
Toodles.

How many people does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends on how hard you throw.

Back again on this.
I feel that i can type freely here without worrying about what others might say or think.
But then again if ever other people read this, im probably doomed.

Nevermind, i cant talk about how i am.

Boring Blog.

Spending my delicious money is great, until I have no more.
Ugh, being broke does officially suck.
It’s like not being free or something.
Can’t do anything…
But then again I guess that’s why money is BAD.
Haha, I mean I’m still living…
I can do a lot…Like walk, run, draw, bike, go to the park, watch old movies, play outside, play with the dogs, etc.
Its not the same though as buying new shiii.

I think its kind of weird how I’m SUPER EXCITED! & SADLY DEPRESSED! About fixing up RJ.
Well first of all, I’m super excited because i’m basically “pimpin” out my car.
He gets 12 inch speakers, amps with about 2000 watts, a new head unit, a new paint job, gets his wing fixed, etc.
Pretty awesome isn’t it, I know.
But then since the speaker box is like E N O R M O U S !!
My trunk pretty much just doesn’t exist.
I used to have one of the biggest trunks in my family.
I could even fit 2 ALIVE people and some in there…
Plus I had a lot of junk, like my boxes, extra clothes, my Scooooooter :]
But now its empty, with just ONE-BIG-BOX.
So I don’t have anywhere to put the rest of my “crap” that was in my trunk.
At the moment its in my backseat on the floor…
But because its there, it sort of limits me to 3 other passengers instead of 4.
Unless the 4th passenger is a Bab y and cant reach the floor.
I would take the box out but I sort of need the stuff in it..
Like my radiator fluid or whatever and extra clothes and a towel or whatever.
Plus I like to keep my scooter in my car for emergency.
Like example, lets say I’m at school and I park in parking lot 2.
But my next class is near parking lot 8.
But I don’t have time to go move my car, plus that’s being fat, right?
Or what if theres no more parking space…
That’s why I bust out my handy dandy scooter.
I just hop on that mugg and no biggie.
I get to class on time with time to spare to buy a Gatorade or something.
Okay…I majorly went off topic.
All im trying to say is..
Yeah im happy that I get my car all nice and fixed up.
But now I don’t have a trunk.
And I have no more money.
Now that I think about it, was it worth it?
Haha well I guess ill just have to wait and find out.
(I sure hope it is)

As for school, ugh.
Pain in the butt.
And this is just the beginning too.
I’m really scared of failing my Business Management class.
I don’t understand anything the teacher talks about and its some pretty hard stuff.
Plus shes goes like uber fast, and my brain cant function that quicky.
And since my lover does my homework for me, I really don’t learn anything.
My English class is a butt too, but not as bad.
The teacher can get annoying though, but at least shes not that hard.
My piano class is good, especially since the teacher is great.
Haha, I nominated my piano teacher for “Appreciation Day”.
I don’t think she won.

Work is still the same.
Since im really busy with school and community service I don’t get much hours in though.
And you know what that means, “not much hours = not much money”.
Blahhhhhhh.

Community service is whatever too.
Im going to be working this Friday.
There having a Steak dinner.
I love steak, but ive had it for 4 days straight now.
Im kinda ehhhh about it.
Maybe I’ll cut back for now.
I always tend to smell really bad though after community service.
I think it’s the environment..
Its like a mixture of smoke, dirty water, must, and OLD WHITE PEOPLE.
*shivers.
Yuck.

Alright well I gotta get back to work.
Then off to school, todays is my all day for school.
Hope I don’t fall asleep.
(Btw, this ones really boring.)

I Need To Shower.

I didnt shower this morning or last night.

Gross i know.

It is not officially been 1 whole day without a shower.

Im going to shower rather tonight or in the morning.
But i dont think i will at night since i dont get out of school until 9:30pm.

So its going to be pretty late.

My sister was stepping on my back last night...

Then she stepped on my lower back.

At first it felt good, but then she sorta jumped on it.

Then OUCH! It was hurting the whole night.

I couldnt sleep.

Couldnt move much.

It was like she bent a bone or something.

It was pretty scary.

I dont want to be paralyzed.

So i slept on my back but it kinda hurt.

So i had to sleep on my stomach, couldnt sleep on my side for anything.

But then this morning when i woke up, it wasnt too bad.

Its a little EH but not as bad as earlier.

I got little massages here and there though.

Felt good, but now im scared for my siblings to step on my back.

I wish i could afford a "Kie Row Prac Ter" to fix my back or make it feel delish.

Im really tired right now. Writing this is making me sleepy.

I even went to sleep early last night. Like at 11:30 or something.

Madddd early!! I need to buy some drinks though. Theres nothing to drink in the house.

The fruit punch crystal light is pretty good though.

Taste like Kool Aid with out the SUGARs i guess.

Haha, but it still stains your upper lip, so yeah i have to drink carefully not to put my lips on the cup.

Im cutting it short today.

Got work to do and im really really tired.

Plus i dont know what to talk about anymore.

Cant think. Heh.
:]

Bored At Work, Broke.

Ive been at work since 11:00.

I start school at 4:00 today.

I've actually got alot of work done today.

But nonetheless, its still rather boring.

I've been thinking of what i should do for a living.

I just had a similar conversation with my mother this morning about this.

She thinks that i should be a court reporter.

Because they get paid well, its an easy job, and she thinks i type fast.

Even though i type fast, i dont think i type fast enough.

But thats not even the case.

They use different keyboards. I've never seen one yet alone never used one before.

So im unsure if i'll be able to do that.

But i guess its worth a shot.

I rather by the keyboard thingamajigg they use and practice from it instead.

But those things cost thousands of dollars.

I guess my safety will always be nursing.

Honestly though, i dont want to be a nurse.

Yeah i would probably be good at it, because i would always go with my aunt to the hospitals.

Plus i would be great working night shifts, im usually up thats why.

But there is just something about nursing that i just dont want to do.

I cant stand the smell of hospitals or the look of it.

I dont like being in hospitals.

I dont like the uniforms you have to wear.

But then again i dont want to wear a "suit" or any business looking wear for court reporting.

Worst of all, i dont want to cater to other people that are sick.

I rather talk to people that need help not to physically help them.

I dont like old people.

I dont like dying people.

I dont want to touch them and do that stuff.

Yeah i sound pretty mean about it, but i just dont want to do it.

But i guess if worst comes to worst, thats what i will have to do.

Hopefully in the next months i find something to major in quick.

Because then the faster i know what i want to do, the faster i can do it. Heh.

Im hoping to find a new job now though.

My job now is probably going to go out of business soon...

I've been applying, but no one ever responds.

I dont know how other people get the job so easy and so fast.

Doesnt make sense.

But then again, maybe its because the way i look and dress.

But still! Haha that sucks.

Plus i dont want to work with any food...

So that narrows my options down to not many.

*sigh. I've been so broke.

I havent bought anything new in forever.

I have no new shoes.

No new clothes.

No new car things.

I dont even have money to buy new air freshners.

Or get my car a wash.

Rjs so dirty, its depressing to drive in it and be happy.

Haha, i guess that is my fault though.

And your probably thinking, why dont you just wash it yourself?!

Well, i would..actually i have..but the water dries up so fast before i can dry it with something that it leaves watermarks.

Plus my rims and the rest of my car isnt as shiny when i do it rather then when the pros do it.

The last time i hand washed my car, my chipped my paint, and scratched my car with his dry dirty towel.

Haha, see! I dont wanna keep doing that to my car.

Well hopefully i find a new job or just someway to make money..

Without stealing or selling, ahahha.
:]

Can't Sleep.

I cant sleep, my lover hasnt talked to me all day.

So i couldnt wait any longer, so i called.

Heh, now im just lying down bored out my mind.

On the phone. I slept all day.

Today was a pretty good day i think.

It was normal and chill.

This black girl in my class used to have this really raggedy hair.

She would always scratch her head and mess with it.

It was sorta like dreads but not, kinda like if you got oil and grease and twirled your hair.

Hahah well yeah if you can imagine that, thats what her hair looked like.

OMG! Wait, i forgot shes not even black, the hooch is ETHIOPIAN, Maaa baddd. 

Anyways, well she came to school today and her hair was all fixed. She must have gotten a perm or something, but it looked like lumps in her hair, she used like a gazillion bobby pins she

 just randomly stuck in her hair. 

I didnt like the new look though, it looked like aunt jemima or whatever the syrup lady is called.

Haha but i think the funniest thing today that happen was this lady who is the sign language translater for this deaf guy in my class, it was during break and she was using her phone [sidekick] and her face was like all up in the phone screen.

i dont know it was one of those moment that you had to be there to understand it i guess.

But its like she couldnt read the letters on her keyboard or like she was trying to smell her phone, haha i dont know, okay enough of that now.

Well i ate thai food today, it was pretty bomb i think im going to eat KFC tomorrow.

Im getting tired actually. Yeah i had a good day and all, but it doesnt seem like much fun.

Maybe next time it will be better, hopefully.

:]

Rather Do This, Than Work.

In a way I find it pointless for me to try and work.
Because once I start something, like making invoices for example, I wont be able to take a break and stop.
It's not that I dont want to do them its just because i have to leave anyway in about 14 minutes, why start it.
If i do its rather i be late to school trying to finish it up, or go to school on time but might forget where i left off or mess up the "routine".
So instead of starting something, i do little things like RAs and just type here.
What a job huh.
The office is really boring.
Everything in the office is plain and very OLD.
Like OLD fashion type of office.
Rugs are old, chairs are old, walls are old, people in it are old.
Haha. What am i doing here?
Anyways, i like the AC though. Can't stand MrSun.
People have told me that i always look mad and mean.
I dont mean to look mean its just most of the time people are looking at me, its sunny outside.
And i cant stand the heat or the sun in my eyes.
So i guess i give off a look that im mad.
When really its not you im mad at, its because im outside where my skin is buring, my body is sweating, my face is melting and the suns in my eyes. Which makes my eyes squint, in a non friendly way.
Haha, maybe thats just my own theory why i look that way to others.
Or it really could just be because your ugly :]
You know what i love to do, is clean my ears.
Haha, ADD huh?
Well i was just sitting here and my ear itched, so i itched it and i thought about cleaning my ears.
It feels so good, like relaxing and calming.
When i clean my ears i wanna just sleep and close my eyes.
Pretty F ing strange isnt it.
Im drink Arizona Green tea with ginseng and honey right now.
My all time favorite is the black tea, but they dont sell that everywhere and it costs more.
Have you ever felt paper when it comes out the printer?
Like not just one but alot, and it comes out all hot.
I kinda like it.
I would wait until the paper gets out and right when it gets out i put it against my face.
Haha, its weird i know but it also feels kinda nice.
Like the warm but not burning sensation and its like clear, i dont know exactly how to describe it but you should try it sometime.
Just make sure the ink is dry, haha.
I amuse myself a little to much i think.
Wow, ive been typing for quite some time now, i forgot about school.
It's already 1:28. I have to leave in 2 minutes.
Well i guess ill just leave now since i still have to stay goodbye to my fellow employees and boss.
:]

Nothing Else To Do.

Works boring.
I need a new job.
But then agian, my job now is easy for me.
Just no fun.
Schools okay.
I do regret starting so late now.
Maybe an hour or two earlier would have been better.
I hate my Math class.
I hate doing MathLab on the Computer, its a pain.
Luckily I have my sister to do my homework.
But shes not cheap, if you know what I mean.
Im dressed like uber bum today.
Brown cholo shorts, black T, faded black socks, and my dog chewed up timberland slippers.
Yup, sportin the look today. Heh.
My Lovers mad at me, still.
Mother cussed me out this morning for waking up late.
The shower was nice today, it was really warm.
Warmer than usual.
My backs been hurting, i need to stretch or something.
Shiii, i need to work out!
Ugh, like thats going to happen.
I just cooked a massive load of food last night too.
Made 4 different kinds of meat.
Pretty crazy huh.
But i didnt even eat any of it.
Wasnt feeling it, it's weird...
Because when i cook i dont want to eat it.
I think some people know what i mean.
So instead of eating my own cooked food, i ate some captain crunch.
They seemed so much smaller nowadays.
I remember them being bigger and harder.
Like when i would eat them it would hurt the roof of my mouth and the milk wouldnt soak in as fast.
Now, the captain crunch is much smaller and soaks up milk like * that .
Haha, well its already 12:50.
I got school at 2:00, but i usually leave by 1:30.
Well i guess i should go do something a bit more productive, like work.
:]