Aug 21st, 2011 9:03pm - Again?

I feel like this happens so often that I’m losing track. But I know for sure it’s the 3rd time that it’s been super legit tothe point that she doesn’t ever text me or anything. I don’t know I never know what to do. But a part of me is tired of waiting around for her to make up her mind and to chose what she wants. While I’m just suppose to sit back and enjoy the time away while she does whatever she does and it all depends on her. Ugh, why does this even have to happen. I never find it to be a big deal I guess because we rarely have big fights the ones that are just a smudge bigger than the usual, tends to be the “big fight”. So what happens now…what happens if she doesn’t want to be withme for sure and how does she tell me that how does that happen how would I know what am I suppose to do what about the gifts the plans the dates her half bday all the other things that were expected to happen but won’t because of the unexpected.
As for me, I am sad as fcuk. I’m trying so hard to hold shit together and to not be moping I can just feel my heart thump harder and hurt while I even think about it and when I’m just trying to avoid it I feel pain without feeling pain. I can’t even explain it. The same feelin when I heard those words ” I don’t know” I didn’t know whatto feel. Ifelt everything rush by so fast yet everything was so slow. It’s a trip how it works and how difficult it is to explain.
I don’t want to get back into the whole “dating game scene” tho.
I hate that I’m so blindly in love with her and I’m the only one that sees what I see in her. It’s not even fair because I’m not even sure if someone will see her the way that I do. She deserves to be treated tho with the way that I see her. Hopefully whoever the lucky person is, he treats her the way I know she should be.

08.08.11

Started my day off with the Starbucks Fix - Tall Iced White Chocolate Mocha. I neer used to like coffee until school. In some weird way I feel like school has its ups and downs like usual but it actually affects my life in unusual ways. I never used to like Coffee and here I am drinking it practically everyday & without it I feel tired like crazy. I never used to be a huge fan of alcohol but then again I guess I never liked it because I didnt like the idea that I was breaking the “rules” plus that fear of getting caught up. Now being 21, I could drink all I want and Im good to go. *sigh, I dont wanna think I’m borderline alcholic but I drink practically every weekend. Plus with all that going on and in school, without a job - it sure is making me broker than ever in my life! & I cant even get a job to try and have some sort of income…

As for me and the Girlfriend, who happens to be the biggest part of me…
Well, I dont even know whats really going on with that. Im not sure what kind of relationship it is anymore. Its getting more and more confusing and I feel like were just getting more and more distant, careless, almost like falling out of love. I know Im stillin love with her and that I want to be with her but…lately, hate to say it but im starting to think I do need “more” in a girlfriend. Dont get me wrong, shes great - in everyway. & I know its so cliche to say “its not you its me” but for what Im asking and wanting out of a relationship, shes just not ready to give that to me…and the worst part is, its rather she doesnt even want to or she probably never will.
I could go on for days and days without stopping if I even tried to weight out all the Pros and Cons. Hopefully throughout time it’ll make more sense or be clearer than it is now.
Plus the weird part is that were still together and from my knowledge we both say we still want to be together. Sigh, even if I think im losing her…theres nothing I can do about it. IM not one to point out the impossibles being that I find anything can be possible of course with its own rules and regulations but this one I got right here…Blah.
In a way she deserves better than me…but I only say that because of the “idea” of what she actually finds “ideal” to her. Because I know for a fact, I can and I do (& for as long as were together I Will) treat her better than anyone out there.
I’ll rant on how special she is and how other people are more than blind to see it.

As for now, the days been going by slow yet fast. As if every minute I want it to go by faster, it slows down and every minute I want to hurry and pass, it takes forever. Its just one of those days.

Worst part is that I’ve been more alone than ever…& they say Im to Dependent.