Aug 21st, 2011 9:03pm - Again?

I feel like this happens so often that I’m losing track. But I know for sure it’s the 3rd time that it’s been super legit tothe point that she doesn’t ever text me or anything. I don’t know I never know what to do. But a part of me is tired of waiting around for her to make up her mind and to chose what she wants. While I’m just suppose to sit back and enjoy the time away while she does whatever she does and it all depends on her. Ugh, why does this even have to happen. I never find it to be a big deal I guess because we rarely have big fights the ones that are just a smudge bigger than the usual, tends to be the “big fight”. So what happens now…what happens if she doesn’t want to be withme for sure and how does she tell me that how does that happen how would I know what am I suppose to do what about the gifts the plans the dates her half bday all the other things that were expected to happen but won’t because of the unexpected.
As for me, I am sad as fcuk. I’m trying so hard to hold shit together and to not be moping I can just feel my heart thump harder and hurt while I even think about it and when I’m just trying to avoid it I feel pain without feeling pain. I can’t even explain it. The same feelin when I heard those words ” I don’t know” I didn’t know whatto feel. Ifelt everything rush by so fast yet everything was so slow. It’s a trip how it works and how difficult it is to explain.
I don’t want to get back into the whole “dating game scene” tho.
I hate that I’m so blindly in love with her and I’m the only one that sees what I see in her. It’s not even fair because I’m not even sure if someone will see her the way that I do. She deserves to be treated tho with the way that I see her. Hopefully whoever the lucky person is, he treats her the way I know she should be.